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The Onion News Network


Nexis4Jersey

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Does anybody here watch or read the Onion News Network?

 

Some recent News Stories

 

Scientists Warn Large Earth Collider May Destroy Earth

 

BATAVIA, IL—In October, Fermilab scientists joined a growing number of physicists around the world in warning that the Very Large Earth Collider—a $117 billion electromagnetic particle accelerator built to study astronomical phenomena by colliding Earth into various heavenly bodies—could potentially destroy Earth when it sends the planet careening headlong into Mars, Jupiter, or even the sun.

 

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"The Large Earth Collider will surely gain us priceless scientific insight by offering a brief glimpse of the universe at the moment of its destruction," Fermilab director Gordon Josephs said. "But because the Collider achieves this by hurling the Earth into another large celestial object, there are some who feel the risks associated with annihilating our world are too high. All I know for certain is that this rigorous debate will only end when we activate the VLEC, make the Earth collide with another planet, and obtain results through firsthand observation."

 

"That's just good science," Josephs added.

 

Physicists at CERN and Brookhaven National Laboratory, who underwrote the VLEC's construction with donations from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, agree that there are "some troubling variables" whenever attempting to launch Earth through the vacuum of space into a massive body of solid matter. Yet, they insist, the academic benefits of a planetary collision outweigh any risk of annihilating the Earth.

 

"When we boil the oceans, tear the tectonic plates from the globe, and peel back the layers of the Earth to expose its molten core, we'll be seeing firsthand what end-times researchers have only theorized about," said Greg Giddings, a planetologist at the University of Michigan. "It might be worth the chance—which, if you ask me, is very small—of destroying the Earth in the process just to see that."

 

"There will always be Chicken Little types," theoretical physicist and futurist Michio Kaku said. "When the first nuclear reaction was achieved, there were those who said its very existence made it a weapon of unspeakable power, and there is evidence they may have been right. It's probably worth asking if the Very Large Earth Collider may in fact pose some minute danger to the Earth."

 

While the project remains controversial, physicists agreed in late November to reconvene and evaluate the risk factor of the project after a small-scale field test, during which the Very Large Earth Collider will be turned on at 10 percent capacity, catapulting Earth into the moon at only half the speed of light.

 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/scientists-warn-large-earth-collider-may-destroy-e,2625/

 

Entire Train Ride Spent Deciding If, When To Use Bathroom

 

NEW HAVEN, CT—Commuter Michael Broberg boarded Metro-North Railroad's 8:37 p.m. train on Monday with one objective: to find a vacant bathroom in one of the train's seven cars and relieve himself in it. Unforeseen obstacles, however, forced him to continually revise and reevaluate this plan over the course of the nearly two-hour commute.

 

"In retrospect, when I first got on [the train], that was probably my best window of opportunity," said Broberg, 32, an ad agency copywriter who routinely commutes to and from Manhattan.

 

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Commuter Michael Broberg

Although he says he did not feel a strong urge to urinate at the time of boarding, the cola-filled Broberg still wanted to relieve himself before the train left Grand Central Terminal, "just in case," but his duffle bag posed a dilemma. "If I left it on the seat, someone could just come right by and steal it," Broberg said. "And I know that if I had brought it into the bathroom with me, I'd have lost my seat for sure. Then I'd be standing the whole ride."

 

With bladder pressure mounting as he contemplated the long commute without a chance to urinate, Broberg made a last-minute, final-boarding-call decision to change his seat to one directly facing the restroom so he could monitor it at all times.

 

"There's a little orange light above the door that's supposed to light up if someone's in there, but those never work," said Broberg, who admitted that anxiety about walking into an occupied restroom has affected his public bathroom use in the past. His orange-light theory was verified when a woman entered the lavatory shortly before departure and the light failed to switch on.

 

"With the locks as unreliable as they are, and people unable to hear you knocking over the noise of the train, keeping an eye on the restroom is crucial," Broberg said. "Unless, of course, you want to place your trust in the people sitting across from the bathroom, but nine times out of 10, they're just guessing when they say no one's in there."

 

Other factors delayed Broberg's plan, including a long wait for an "especially chatty and slow-moving" train attendant to come by and take his ticket, a 6-year-old boy who kept running into the bathroom every five minutes for no apparent reason other than to remove handfuls of paper towels, and a passenger who boarded at the first stop and sat next to Broberg, forcing him into the window seat. According to Broberg, the man "immediately unwrapped a big, cumbersome hero sub" on his lap and began eating it while reading a broadsheet newspaper.

 

"There was no way out," Broberg said. "But I noticed on his ticket that he was getting off in a few stops, so I figured I'd just hold it in a little while longer."

 

When the train arrived at his seatmate's destination of Stamford, CT 40 minutes later, Broberg returned to his original aisle seat and, as new passengers boarded, he decided that he would use the bathroom once the train resumed moving. However, as soon as he stood up, an elderly man "came out of nowhere" and entered the restroom.

 

"I got up and stood next to the bathroom door, but the guy was taking forever in there," Broberg said. "I was waiting for at least 10 minutes, and I started to think that maybe he'd come out and I hadn't noticed. But then I heard a cough come from inside."

 

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The long line of train cars Broberg traversed Monday in search of a usable restroom.

Unable to wait any longer, Broberg walked past one restroom in the next car which had a line of three people, then finally found an unoccupied handicapped bathroom in the first car.

 

"The handicapped bathrooms have these big sliding doors. But when I went in and tried to shut it, I realized the handle was broken, and the door couldn't be secured unless you reached out and held it while urinating," an option Broberg said he was unwilling to attempt. "I'm not an acrobat."

 

After a slow and painful walk back to his seat, and a total wait of one hour and 29 minutes, Broberg finally found a bathroom after exiting the train three stops early, relieving himself at the Bridgeport Station, then taking a $17 taxi back to his car in New Haven.

 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/entire-train-ride-spent-deciding-if-when-to-use-ba,1933/

 

 

Giuliani Spotted Sleeping On New York City Subway

 

NEW YORK—According to witnesses, former New York City mayor and one-time favorite for the Republican presidential nomination Rudolph Giuliani was seen slumped over and asleep on the Coney Island-bound F train late Tuesday night, as well as on the return Queens-bound F train early Wednesday morning.

 

Giuliani, once a beloved New York figure who earned the nickname "America's Mayor," was wearing a faded New York Yankees jacket and a dirty FDNY cap pulled down over his eyes.

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Giuliani does not notice onlookers.

 

"Everyone was sitting on the opposite side of the train because there was a real bad smell coming from his side," said passenger Melissa Humber, who witnessed Giuliani lying across three seats and using a rolled-up New York Post as a pillow. "He seemed to jolt awake when a homeless guy started ranting about 9/11, but then he just sighed and went back to sleep." Giuliani was last spotted shaving in a New York Public Library bathroom.

 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/giuliani-spotted-sleeping-on-new-york-city-subway,6200/

 

Stouffers To Include Suicide Prevention Tips On Single Serve Microwavable Meals

 

 

 

Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere

 

 

 

Newsroom / Sony Releases Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't ******* Work

 

 

 

'9/11 Conspiracy Theories Ridiculous' - Al Qaeda

 

 

 

Many U.S. Parents Outsourcing Child Care Overseas

 

 

 

I will post more later:)

 

~Corey

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Most of the time, I look at the sports section:

 

Dusty Baker Destroys Aroldis Chapman's Arm Within Minutes Of Arrival

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CINCINNATI—Within just a few minutes of Cuban pitcher Aroldis Chapman's arrival in the United States, Reds manager Dusty Baker had already overused and mangled the 21-year-old's arm beyond recognition, team sources reported Sunday. Baker, who has been accused of overtaxing young pitchers' arms in the past, reportedly greeted Chapman with a bucket of 250 baseballs and told him to "hurl them" as fast as he could, later encouraging the fastballer to "go nuts" with his pitching style. "He didn't even let me stretch out first," Chapman told reporters through an interpreter. "And when I started to wince from the pain and soreness, he just gave me a thumbs up, winked, and told me to keep throwing." At press time, Chapman had already been to the hospital for an oblique strain, a torn rotator cuff, and his second Tommy John surgery of the week.

 

Royals GM Didn't Know He Was Allowed To Make Moves During Offseason

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KANSAS CITY, MO—During a Monday conference call with the media, Royals GM Dayton Moore confessed he had "no idea" he was permitted to make player transactions between baseball seasons. "I guess that makes sense. I was always a little surprised when teams came back the next spring with different players," said Moore, adding that he just assumed most teams made the last of their personnel decisions during Game 7 of the World Series. "I've already contacted the agents for Hideki Matsui and John Lackey to try and convince them to play here for free, and I'm working on a trade for Jason Varitek. He's got something to prove." Moore said the revelation that he would be working through the winter gave him all the more reason to look forward to his annual October vacation.

 

95-Year-Old Yankees Fan Afraid He'll Never Get To See Team Win 27 More World Series

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NEW YORK–Michael Grippo, a 95-year-old Bronx native, told reporters Wednesday that he is "worried sick" that he won't live to see the Yankees win another 27 World Series titles. "We came so close in 1955, 1960, 1976, 2001, and 2004. If we had won just one of those, that would have been 27 right there," said Grippo, adding that while he was in attendance for Tommy Henrich's walk-off homer in 1949, Don Larson's perfect game in 1956, and Mickey Mantle's game-ending home run in 1964, none of it will matter if the Yankees don't win at least another 27 World Series championships. "I'll say this, if we could take home 27 championships just one more time, my soul will rest easy." Grippo said that, if nothing else, he hoped his six children and 21 grandchildren would get to see the Yankees win just 1,396 more World Series in their lifetimes

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  • 4 weeks later...

Improving Amtrak

 

Following last week's announcement that an entire fleet of Acela trains will be taken out of service for repairs, Amtrak is looking for ways to reinvigorate the company. What are some of the measures it's taking?

 

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http://www.theonion.com/articles/improving-amtrak,8029/

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the onion decided to use it for its article :)

 

What I was getting at is that 90208 is a cabbage car. The Onion decided to use a car called a cabbage car for it's article. I think it's genius.

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Drought-Ravaged NYC Institutes Alternate-Side-Of-Street Firefighting

NEW YORK— Suffering from months of drought, New York City instituted alternate-side-of-the-street firefighting Monday. "On odd-numbered days, even-numbered buildings are not permitted to catch fire," Mayor Michael Bloomberg said at a press conference. "For those who fail to comply, we will not be able to put out your fire until the following morning. Your kind cooperation will help conserve water resources throughout the New York area

http://www.theonion.com/articles/droughtravaged-nyc-institutes-alternatesideofstree,3089/

 

New York To Install Special 'Infants Only' Dumpsters

 

NEW YORK—As part of his ongoing campaign to revitalize New York City's public image through a citywide clean-up effort, mayor Rudolph Giuliani announced Monday the installation of special "infants only" dumpsters throughout the greater New York metropolitan area.

 

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It is hoped that the new dumpsters will provide a convenient, germ-free baby-dumping option for low-income single mothers, enabling them to abandon their unwanted infants in a tidier, more health-conscious manner than before.

 

The new, clearly labeled dumpsters are also expected to make it significantly easier for city workers to collect and sort the estimated 25,000 babies placed in New York-area trash receptacles each year.

 

"By providing these mothers with a safe, convenient receptacle for unwanted babies, instead of requiring them to deposit them along with garbage of other types, New York is saying, 'Yes, we care,' Giuliani told reporters at a City Hall press conference.

 

While the infant-dedicated dumpsters will cost an estimated $220 million to install and maintain, Giuliani is confident they will more than make up for their cost in the long run. "Babies deposited in the new dumpsters will be collected, tagged and redistributed in a far more organized manner than those left in traditional multi-use dumpsters or garbage cans," Giuliani said. "This will greatly reduce the strain on our city's already sorely overtaxed human-services and child-welfare departments, saving millions over the long haul."

 

The new devices will also make it easier for city sanitation workers to separate recyclable metals, paper and plastics from non-recyclables, a task that, until now, was needlessly complicated by the presence of human children among the materials to be reclaimed.

 

Among the new dumpsters' many impressive features, according to the mayor: a unique soundproof design which minimizes the high-volume, panicked wails of infants crying out in desperation for their parents' return, and a patented, easy-to-clean design that requires only periodic hosings to flush out accumulated waste.

 

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"These dumpsters' revolutionary 'E-Z Kleen' design will greatly reduce the amount of time abandoned infants will have to lie helpless in their own urine, vomit and fecal matter," Giuliani said. "It will also reduce the risk of cockroach infestation in the open wounds the newborns will likely develop, as well as the risk of injuries caused by maggot bites and rat attacks."

 

Mayoral aide Edwin Steep was equally enthusiastic. "With these new receptacles, a projected 17 percent fewer abandoned babies will be blinded by rats, which tend to attack the soft, vulnerable eye sockets of human infants first," he said.

 

Furthermore, Steep said, a large, bright-pink smiley-face decal affixed to the inside lower lid of the dumpsters will help reduce the intense and potentially psyche-shattering abandonment trauma experienced by pre-verbal human infants whose parents leave them to die.

 

"Regular dumpsters are not equipped with this added smiley-face feature," Steep said.

 

According to Giuliani, the elimination of infants from regular city dumpsters will have an added bonus, creating more dumpster-based, no-cost housing for the city's estimated 400,000 homeless residents, many of whom rely on the heat produced by decomposing organic waste for shelter and survival during New York's often brutal winters.

 

"By clearing dumpster space of babies, we are opening up vast new living spaces for the urban poor," Giuliani said. "And that's something we can all feel good about.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-york-to-install-special-infants-only-dumpsters,847/

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