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Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work!

BZGuy

By BZGuy
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BZGuy

BZGuy

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What Happens When I'm At WORK and I have to Poop?

 

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable.

For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the.........

Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

 

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

 

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

 

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

 

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the ter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

 

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

 

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

 

SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

 

TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.

 

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

 

ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

 

WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

 

HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

 

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

 

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

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LRG

LRG

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LOL at this thread :P

 

What advice do you have for nasty, crap infested toilets covered in shit toilet paper? (nasty school bathrooms)

 

Use the teacher's bathrooms! :P

That's what I did when I was in high school and I had a dire emergency during lunchtime :P

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rr4567

rr4567

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Use the teacher's bathrooms! :P

That's what I did when I was in high school and I had a dire emergency during lunchtime :P

WHAT TEACHER BATHROOMS!? Oh......the locked ones :P

 

I am very picky about where I take a dump. I have never and will never use the public cans in the subway, they are just way too gross.

Well I had to use the ones at Coney Island........Horrid. The only toilet there had crap on it and I had diarrhea.

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INDman Train Operator

INDman

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Use the teacher's bathrooms! :P

That's what I did when I was in high school and I had a dire emergency during lunchtime :P

 

When I was in high school, I got keys to the teachers bathroom, the football locker room, and the nurses room which were always clean.

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LRG

LRG

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WHAT TEACHER BATHROOMS!? Oh......the locked ones :P

 

Precisely...the teachers let me in.

 

 

Well I had to use the ones at Coney Island........Horrid. The only toilet there had crap on it and I had diarrhea.

 

WAYYYYYYYYYYYY TMI dude! I did NOT need to know that :eek:

 

When I was in high school, I got keys to the teachers bathroom, the football locker room, and the nurses room which were always clean.

 

Nice man lol

 

The only keys I had were keys to the art room supply closet.

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LRG

LRG

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I am very picky about where I take a dump. I have never and will never use the public cans in the subway, they are just way too gross.

 

Agreed. I feel bad for those who have to clean after them. Literally, I wouldn't want to be cleaning up after anyone else's shit.

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BZGuy

BZGuy

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WALK OF SHAME,PT.2:When a motorcoach operator has to walk to the bathroom in the rear of the bus(with 55 people looking and smiling) beacuse you misjudged your fluid intake.

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R32 3348

R32 3348

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I am very picky about where I take a dump. I have never and will never use the public cans in the subway, they are just way too gross.

Me neither. The one time I used a subway bathroom (at Jamaica Center - Parsons/Archer) I only had to take a piss, and both toilets were clogged with water up to the rim. There was shit water on the floor too, and some on the walls (I guess there was no toilet paper left lololololol). That shit is DISGUSTING. I'd NEVER want to take a shit in a subway bathroom.

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