Jokes thread

[SevenEleven]

We made this joke up today during tennis practice.

 

Person A (To Jamaican Kid): What's score?

Jamaican: One-Love

Person A: Ok, Bob Marley.

[KeystoneRegional]

Please, watch the Nazi Banksters Crimes Ripple Effect at http://jforjustice.co.uk/banksters

[SubwayGuy]

Thanks, :cool: :tup:.

 

 

 

Youbetcha, you guessed absolutely correctly, I love NovaBusses and Nabis...

 

 

 

Nope, I didn't own myself, and my hands did not run away, I am still in one piece, and MCI's rock, !

 

And only idiots love to say others are idiots and that is actually true, !

 

Keep posting. You just make yourself look even stupider with each one. Go "love" those trains and buses sometime. I bet they won't "love" you back.

 

Call me an idiot all you want, because I don't give a shit what you say. Bottom line you're a god damned retard and everyone knows it, they think what I'm doing mocking you is hilarious and frankly it's kind of fun so deal with it or get lost, but you're not convincing ANYone that you're "not" an idiot so don't even bother trying.

 

You are, as I say, NYCTF's Village Idiot.

[Forest Glen]

Thanks, :cool: :tup:.

 

 

 

Youbetcha, you guessed absolutely correctly, I love NovaBusses and Nabis...

 

 

 

Nope, I didn't own myself, and my hands did not run away, I am still in one piece, and MCI's rock, !

 

And only idiots love to say others are idiots and that is actually true, !

 

This was a very funny joke. Forget the losers who are too dense to understand the joke.

[RTS CNG Command]

I think some of you've heard this joke before, but what the heck?

 

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar.

 

"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.

 

"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."

 

"Why is that?" the first guy asks.

 

"Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

 

"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.

 

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

 

"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.

 

"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that the walks over to the window and opens it.

 

He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20...30...40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

 

"See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.

 

"Try it?! I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.

 

"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

 

"Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.

 

"Well what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20...30...40... 50...60...70...80...90...100 feet and Splat!! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.

 

After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

[TransitStop]

A Fisherman's Tale

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

 

One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.

 

He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.

 

The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

 

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

 

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

[KeystoneRegional]

Please, watch the Nazi Banksters Crimes Ripple Effect at http://jforjustice.co.uk/banksters

[SubwayGuy]

Muwahahaha, I bring fun to my posts, that is why it is so awkward but it is still serious in certain posts. Duh, I love trains and busses all the times. That is why I am here! LMFAOO, such a weird and contradictary post!

 

And I count that as a foolish post because it is the jokes thread and you offcially became NYCTF's Village Joker. Which is infact more worse than an idiot, because an idiot can be dumb on one subjuct but thrives at another, a Joker means all stuff the person does is a joke, I became an evil monster thanks to drinking my 10th Monster Energy Drink, rawr!!!

 

WHAT the F*** are you talking about??? NO ONE KNOWS!!!

 

And you don't bring "fun" to your posts, you bring absolute idiocy. As for me, I've contributed two jokes to this thread, you've contributed one - YOURSELF.

[KeystoneRegional]

Please, watch the Nazi Banksters Crimes Ripple Effect at http://jforjustice.co.uk/banksters

[SubwayGuy]

What the?!? Mozers, chill down dude, no need to go overhyped on stuff, this is the jokes thread man, have some fun and enjoy your ride on the Line, Where the co:cool:ol is the rule!

 

You seem to find it necessary to respond to my every post, but I don't think anything needs to be said about your involvement in this thread other than what I wrote in MY last post.

[KeystoneRegional]

Please, watch the Nazi Banksters Crimes Ripple Effect at http://jforjustice.co.uk/banksters

[SubwayGuy]

Same for you, lol, isn't it great becuz it seems like you are doing it too, every post I put you respond to, there is a reason, your negativity and attacks. That is why you shall get a life or remain NYCTF's Village Joker. I find it very interesting, XD...

 

Jokers make people laugh WITH them. Considering we're in the "Jokes Thread" I'll sign up for that any day of the week. Means I'm doing something right. Fact is probably at least quite a few find the stuff I say to you to fall into the "hilarious and true" category. Hey that's a form of humor too.

 

Idiots (like you) make people laugh AT them.

 

So I'd rather be a joker than an idiot.

[TransitStop]

ok.......... well to bring this thread back on topic ill contribute another joke

 

Warning Foul Language

 

Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

 

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

 

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

 

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."

 

 

 

* HEHEHHE post number 300 *

[LRG]

ok.......... well to bring this thread back on topic ill contribute another joke

 

Warning Foul Language

 

Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

 

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

 

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

 

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."

 

 

 

* HEHEHHE post number 300 *

 

+1000!

 

I remember hearing that joke on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno back in late 2008; Dustin Hoffman told that joke. It was an epic win. Let me see if I remember another one that he said (note: crude humor):

 

One day a boy, about nine years old, went to bed uber early in the afternoon...around the evening time he woke up and heard some noises coming from his parent's bedroom...he barged into the room and saw his parents strip naked, with his dad on top of his mom. The boy's jaws nearly dropped to the ground, and he ran out of the house horrified.

 

So the next day, the boy's parents found out that he didn't go to school, and were wondering where he was. They called several of their neighbors but they didn't see him. The father called his mother and she said that he was over at her house. So the boy's dad went to his mother's house and strangely enough, the front door was open and the dad heard noises coning from his mother's room upstairs. So he went upstairs, barged into the room and saw his son and his mom strip naked, with his son on top of his mom. The father's jaws dropped to the ground, and the boy got stopped and said "What??? You did the same thing to my mom...."

[TransitStop]

umphhhh he got tolddd ! LMAO thats halarious! +10 for that

[RTS CNG Command]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *on the ground laughing*

 

That was HILARIOUS! :tup:tup:

[TransitStop]

darn, now i have to find a joke to top that

 

its not the best

 

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately

needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my

gas with the beat of the music.

 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,

and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

 

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[NX Express]

darn, now i have to find a joke to top that

 

its not the best

 

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately

needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my

gas with the beat of the music.

 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,

and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

 

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

LMAO!!!

[LRG]

darn, now i have to find a joke to top that

 

its not the best

 

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately

needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my

gas with the beat of the music.

 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,

and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

 

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

LOL!!! :tup:

[EE Broadway Local]

Three of my favorite actual real state laws:

 

From California:

"Sunshine Is Guaranteed To The Masses"

 

From New York:

"The penalty for jumping off a building is death."

 

And from New Jersey:

"If you are convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates."

[SubwayGuy]

Here's one of the better ones I've heard

 

A boy is home from school early. His father is at work, and his mother is home. However unknown to him, his mother has a lover over. Boy walks in.

 

The mother is shocked, and hides the boy in the closet, warning him not to say anything.

 

The father comes home from work early, and the mother is frantic, so she hides the lover in the closet, warning HIM not to say anything.

 

Boy: "Dark in Here"

Lover: "Yeah"

Boy: "Hey wanna buy my baseball"

Lover: "No"

Boy: "I'll tell my dad and he'll hurt you"

Lover: "OK OK Fine...how much?"

Boy: "$500"

Lover: "What!? No way"

Boy: "I'll tell dad"

Lover: "OK fine, here you go"

 

The next day the same thing happens. Boy walks in on mom and lover, gets locked in closet. Dad comes home and mom hides the lover in the closet with the boy so she doesn't get caught.

 

Boy: "Dark in Here"

Lover: "Yeah"

Boy: "Hey wanna buy my baseball glove"

Lover: "No"

Boy: "I'll tell my dad and he'll hurt you"

Lover: "OK OK Fine...how much?"

Boy: "$1000"

Lover: "What!? No way"

Boy: "I'll tell dad"

Lover: "OK fine, here you go"

 

The following day, the dad has no work, and the mom is home. The boy comes home from school, and the dad asks him if he wants to play catch.

 

Boy: "I can't"

Dad: "Why?"

Boy: "I sold my ball and glove"

Dad: "Really? How much did you get for them?"

Boy: "$1500"

Dad: "$1500!!??? You ripped somebody off like that? That's it, you're going to confession right now"

 

So the dad takes the boy to church and he goes to the confession, where he sits and waits in the confessional. A priest enters the confessional and sits down.

 

Boy: "Dark in here"

Priest: "Don't start that shit again"

[TransitStop]

LMAO! i needed a good laugh. although i did get confused a few times

[DevilBus65]

This is my favorite joke from first grade.

Q. Whats worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

A. Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.

[Dan05979]

While listening to other "drivers" fight with each other on the CB radio driving along the cross bronx, one told a funny ass joke but very racist, can I tell it? It was very funny.

[R68 Subway Car]

 

mmm smell of new vehicles and trains stimulates me

Damn, nigga, I didn't know you got hard-ons smelling new trains and buses.