Jokes thread

[LRG]

Girls are demonic creatures; they get wet without water, bleed without getting injured and can make boneless things get hard.

[MTR Admiralty]

Many more...

 

How many Polish men does it take to change a light buld?

5, one to hold the buld and 4 to pick up the ladder and turn it.

 

What keeps the Irish from going poor?

the $.05 you get when they return all the empties.

 

What was the best invention on a Polish submarine?

The screen door.

 

 

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of

nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by,

as you might expect, a shipwreck:

 

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

 

One month later on these same absolutely stunning

deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following

things have occurred:

 

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the

Italian woman.

 

The two French men and the French woman are living

happily together in a menage-a-trois.

 

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of

alternating visits with the German woman.

 

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the

Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

 

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce

them to the English woman.

 

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless

ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and

started swimming.

 

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting

instructions.

 

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor

store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman

pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

 

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of

suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly

complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism;

how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of

fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how

sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last

boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer

than they do; how her relationship with her mother is

improving and how at least the taxes are low and it

isn't raining.

 

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and

South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if

sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy

after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But

they're satisfied because at least the English aren't

having any fun.

 

 

 

Q: How do you get a one-armed Irishman out of a tree?

A: Wave at him.

 

Q: Why did the Irishman refuse to be a Jehovah's Witness?

A: Because he didn't see the accident.

The shipwreck joke is GOLD.

[SubwayGuy]

Hey IND here's one for you...

 

What was the best Polish invention for the helicopter?

 

The ejector seat.

[INDman]

Whats 2 miles long and has an IQ of 40?

The St. Patrick's Day Parade,

[SubwayGuy]

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

20. One to hold the lightbulb in place and 19 to drink whisky until the room spins around.

[R10 2952]

Here's a few:

-How do you shoot down a Polish bomber? (Trick question; a Polish bomber never even gets off the ground)

 

-How do you double the value of a Polish car? Fill up the tank!

 

-A team of archeaologists uncovered a pharaoh's tomb in Egypt, but the pharaoh's body was badly decayed, so they had trouble determining the identity. They sent in experts from all over Western Europe to determine the identity, but to no avail. Finally, they decided to summon a group of specialists from Poland.

The Poles show up but say, 'In order to do this job, we will need absolute privacy. Please wait outside'. So the archeaologists go outside.

After 15 minutes have passed, the Polish experts come out, and declare, 'This pharaoh is Ramses the Fifteenth!'.

The stunned archeologists ask, 'How did you figure it out that it was Ramses the Fifteenth?'.

The Poles reply, 'Why, he said so himself!'

 

And here's someting that is a fact, but sounds like a joke:

At the end of 2009, statistics indicated that Poland's economy was the only economy within the European Union that did not contract during the global recession.

Why? Because Poland's economy contracted in 1990 (when communism collapsed, so did the economy), and it has not expanded since.

 

Yes; there's a reason that my mother left that God-forsaken mess of a country (Poland) and came here, to America in 1990.

[Fresh Pond]

Lmao so many Polish jokes. But after hearing about something on facebook, I decided to make a joke of my own (this doesn't apply to everyone but just enjoy the damn joke)

 

Q. How many railfans does it take to get laid

A. Zero. Everyone is out taking pics of buses & trains instead

[MTR Admiralty]

Lmao so many Polish jokes. But after hearing about something on facebook, I decided to make a joke of my own (this doesn't apply to everyone but just enjoy the damn joke)

 

Q. How many railfans does it take to get laid

A. Zero. Everyone is out taking pics of buses & trains instead

Oh boy you should hear Russian jokes

[EE Broadway Local]

Hi! As you can see, I'm very thirsty: ;

 

I also enjoy food:

 

And sometimes, I enjoy this a little too much:

 

Also:

 

But I always faithfully exerciise:

 

Best of all:

[R42 M Train]

This one has some language but genuinely funny

 

A guy walked into a restaurant and asked for some broccoli. The waiter said, Sorry, theres no broccoli. So the man asked for a meat pie and broccoli. The waiter said, "There is no broccoli." So he asked for a meat pie, chips, and broccoli. The waiter replied, Spell cat, as in catastrophe. C-A-T, the man answered. The waiter then asked, Spell dog as in dogmatic. The man said D-O-G. Now spell f**k, as in broccoli, the waiter said. The man yelled THERES NO f**k IN BROCCOLI! The waiter laughed, EXACTLY!

[Ianto]

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

 

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

 

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

 

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

 

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

 

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

 

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

 

The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

 

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

 

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

 

The drunk again answers, 'No,oi haven't found Jesus.'

 

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

 

 

The drunk wipes his water soaked eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

[Fresh Pond]

Another dumb blonde joke...

 

: 17 blonds stand outside a workout room, why don't they go in?

: the sign says must be 18 to enter

[553 Bridgeton]

Girls are demonic creatures; they get wet without water, bleed without getting injured and can make boneless things get hard.

 

l0l good one.

[checkmatechamp13]

I heard this from Reader's Digest and thought it was funny:

 

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as

chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University

in Marquette. They would get together two or three times

a week for coffee and to talk shop.

 

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people

isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to

preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided

to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods,

find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

 

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the

experience.

 

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches,

and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I

went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him

I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear

wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around, so

I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy

Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb! The bishop

is coming out next week to give him first communion and

confirmation."

 

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with

an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best

fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you

KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a

bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY

WORD!

 

But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD

of him and we began to wrestle. We wre stled down one hill,

UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I

quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.

 

And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We

spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

 

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a

hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's

and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

 

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision

may not have been the best way to start."

[buswizard]

A man walked into a bar and said EEE-OWWCH! it was an iron bar.

[buswizard]

God decided to reward a hard working man one day by granting him any wish. The man said "I wish there could be a bridge connecting Philly to Hawaii." God said, "Do you know how much work has to be done, how much it costs, and how much tar and concrete will be used? that's a lot of work!" The man then said, "Okay then; ...I wish I could understand women", then God said..."So...how many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

[rr4567]

Q. How many railfans does it take to get laid

A. Zero. Everyone is out taking pics of buses & trains instead

 

No, it's 2. One to operate the train and one to stand in front of the coupler bent over

[SubwayGuy]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she can't ignore them anymore when she hears one of them say:

 

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more."

 

"You foul-mouthed wop swine," yelled the lady. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

 

"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I was only tellin' my friend here how to spell Mississippi."

[The Real]

So a bear and a rabbit was taking a shit in the woods.

 

The bear ask the rabbit, "Do you have problem with shit sticking to your fur," the rabbit replied, "No, I don't."

 

So the bear grabbed the rabbit and wiped his ass with him.

[MAA89]

Q: How many mystery-writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

 

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Both of them.

(No offense intended to gays or San Franciscans.)

 

Q: How many authors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to change the light bulb?

A: "Many hands make light work".

--------------------------------------------------

Joke about jokes:

A black guy, a Latino and a white guy walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

---------------------------------------------------

Blond guy joke (no racist stereotyping intended):

 

A Mexican guy, a black guy and a blond guy work on a construction site. One day, the bell for lunch rings and the three open their lunch pails.

 

The Mexican finds a burrito and says: "One more time I get a burrito I will jump off this building and commit suicide".

 

The black guy finds fried chicken and says: "One more time I get fried chicken I will jump off this building and commit suicide".

 

The blond guy finds a cheese sandwich and says: "One more time I get a cheese sandwich I will jump off this building and commit suicide."

 

The next day the three men sit down to eat lunch. The Mexican guy finds a burrito, so he jumps off the building and commits suicide. The black guy finds fried chicken, so he jumps off the building and commits suicide. The blond guy finds a cheese sandwich, so he jumps off the building and commits suicide.

 

At their funeral, the men's wives gathered and spoke.

 

The Mexican's wife said: "If only I had known he didn't want a burrito, I would have packed him something else".

 

The black guy's wife said: "If only I had known he didn't want fried chicken, I would have packed him something else".

 

The blond guy's wife said: "Don't know what was wrong with him. He packed his own lunch".

[rr4567]

Blond guy joke (no racist stereotyping intended):

 

A Mexican guy, a black guy and a blond guy work on a construction site. One day, the bell for lunch rings and the three open their lunch pails.

 

The Mexican finds a burrito and says: "One more time I get a burrito I will jump off this building and commit suicide".

 

The black guy finds fried chicken and says: "One more time I get fried chicken I will jump off this building and commit suicide".

 

The blond guy finds a cheese sandwich and says: "One more time I get a cheese sandwich I will jump off this building and commit suicide."

 

The next day the three men sit down to eat lunch. The Mexican guy finds a burrito, so he jumps off the building and commits suicide. The black guy finds fried chicken, so he jumps off the building and commits suicide. The blond guy finds a cheese sandwich, so he jumps off the building and commits suicide.

 

At their funeral, the men's wives gathered and spoke.

 

The Mexican's wife said: "If only I had known he didn't want a burrito, I would have packed him something else".

 

The black guy's wife said: "If only I had known he didn't want fried chicken, I would have packed him something else".

 

The blond guy's wife said: "Don't know what was wrong with him. He packed his own lunch".

 

 

LOL!

[checkmatechamp13]

A man and a woman are driving down a road when they see a sign that says "Welcome to Kissimmee". They are arguing on how to pronounce it. Kis·sim·mee, Kis·sIm·mee, etc. They decide to pull into a local restaurant and ask a server in there.

The man says: "Excuse me sir, do you know how to pronounce the name of this place? And say it really slowly so I can understand"

The server looks at the man and says: Buuurrrrgggeeerrr Kiiinnnggg (Burger King)

[Filip7370]

June 1961.

A worker to his supervisor.

- Ej...russians flew into cosmos!

- All of them?

- No just one.

- Whats the f$*%^n' big deal, pass me the hammer!

 

A German, English and Russian guys were searching a magical pound which change in everything you want.

When they found it they decide that first will jump german, then russian then english.

The German jumped and screamed Beeeeerrrrr!!!! And he felt into delicious german beer.

Then Russian jumped and screamed Voooodddkaaaaaa!!! And he felt into very strong vodka.

The last the Brit was jumping, suddenly he slipped and screamed "Ooohhh Ssshhhhhhh$$$$$$$%%%%%%%%!!!" Splash!

 

A Russian a Romanian and a Pole were sitting in a train and they bet who is the best thief.

When the left the first tunnel nothing changed in the compartment, and suddenly the russian too out from his pockets watches of everyone in the car.

When the left the second tunnel only the Romanian disappear and suddenly he came in with all the wallets, watches and all the jewelry from the entire train.

A thought challenge for the Pole.

When they exit the last tunnel nothing changes except the pole weren't int the car...

Both of Russian and Romanian were laughing, just till the conductor came and said...

- Enough, stupid jokes You morons, who have stolen the locomotive!!!

[Filip7370]

Blond guy joke (no racist stereotyping intended):

 

A Mexican guy, a black guy and a blond guy work on a construction site. One day, the bell for lunch rings and the three open their lunch pails.

 

The Mexican finds a burrito and says: "One more time I get a burrito I will jump off this building and commit suicide".

 

The black guy finds fried chicken and says: "One more time I get fried chicken I will jump off this building and commit suicide".

 

The blond guy finds a cheese sandwich and says: "One more time I get a cheese sandwich I will jump off this building and commit suicide."

 

The next day the three men sit down to eat lunch. The Mexican guy finds a burrito, so he jumps off the building and commits suicide. The black guy finds fried chicken, so he jumps off the building and commits suicide. The blond guy finds a cheese sandwich, so he jumps off the building and commits suicide.

 

At their funeral, the men's wives gathered and spoke.

 

The Mexican's wife said: "If only I had known he didn't want a burrito, I would have packed him something else".

 

The black guy's wife said: "If only I had known he didn't want fried chicken, I would have packed him something else".

 

The blond guy's wife said: "Don't know what was wrong with him. He packed his own lunch".

This is the American version of a British joke about English scotch and welsh.

 

This is the most racist joke I have heard ever! I don't wanna offend anyone!

 

A jewish and a black man are sitting on a tree who will felt first?

.

.

.

Who the f$ck cares!!!

[SubwayGuy]

A Russian a Romanian and a Pole were sitting in a train and they bet who is the best thief.

When the left the first tunnel nothing changed in the compartment, and suddenly the russian too out from his pockets watches of everyone in the car.

When the left the second tunnel only the Romanian disappear and suddenly he came in with all the wallets, watches and all the jewelry from the entire train.

A thought challenge for the Pole.

When they exit the last tunnel nothing changes except the pole weren't int the car...

Both of Russian and Romanian were laughing, just till the conductor came and said...

- Enough, stupid jokes You morons, who have stolen the locomotive!!!

 

If it was a steam locomotive that the pole stole, odds are he forgot to steal the gondola too